Disclaimer: the Protectors of the Plot Continuum is the creation of Jay and Acacia. DC Comics and the Batman are property of Warner Bros Entertainment. Spore belongs to Electronic Arts, All other fandoms mentioned or discussed belong to their respective owners. Grox and Kisses belongs to Lady Heston of Bloomingshire, not that I would ever want it. Jack and Shawn belong to me.
“Welcome to my humble abode,” Jack declared proudly, opening the door with flourish. Inside was a small, cluttered, room with a hammock strung up in the corner, tied to a bed post at one end and the hinge to the bathroom door at the other end. The bed was piled high with board games, trading cards and a handful of dirty socks.
“There’s only one bed,” Shawn said, pushing his luggage next to the messy bed.
“You can have it. I don’t think I ever used it for anything but storage,” Jack said.
“How very generous of you,” Shawn groaned, eyes rolling.
“Oh fine, I’ll help you clean it off,” Jack replied, grabbing a stack of different board games and shoving them in the closet.
“Some of these are just weird,” said Shawn, holding up a box of Legos.
“Ah, Minotaurus. I’ll have to teach you that sometime,” Jack said.
“What’s wrong with Clue and Jenga? Too mainstream for you?” Shawn asked, tossing a few socks at Jack.
“I had no one but myself to play against for who knows how long. I needed some variation,” Jack said as he crammed a horde of cards into a shoebox.
“So, you’re just super anti-social?” Shawn asked.
“I’m the only person in the hall who had a nine to five job. Everyone else’s schedule is too crazy to hang out,” Jack said.
“Excuses, excuses,” Shawn said. Just then, a loud beeeeeeep came from a stack of papers.
“Oh, that’s where my console went,” Jack said, moving the papers to the floor.
“You need professional help to fix this mess.” Shawn said, rifling through the papers, “Why do you still have a receipt for waffle tacos? Actually, why did you buy waffle tacos in the first place?”
“They’re not half bad. Unlike our target. Take a look at this,” Jack said, motioning for his partner to come over.
“Spore huh? I loved that game. I blew up an entire galaxy,” Shawn said.
“When did you have time to play Spore?” Jack asked.
“Between the serial arson and the jaywalking,” Shawn said, unzipping his luggage.
“Whatcha doing?” Jack asked.
“You wanna take out a ‘Sue? We need more than just a CAD.” Shawn said, pulling a glock out of his luggage.
“Ooh. I have a weapon too,” Jack said. He ran to his closet and pulled an umbrella out.
“Oh good. Maybe you’ll be able to defend us from the rain while I do things like, you know, kill a ‘Sue,” Shawn said.
“It’s not just an umbrella,” Jack said. He pressed a button in the handle of the umbrella. The tip receded, showing a thin blade.
“Fancy. How good are you with it?” Shawn asked.
“I have literally never used it,” Jack said.
“Then why do you have it?” Shawn asked.
“Cause it’s cool,” Jack said.
“Okay, so two things to work on: socializing and combat. I’m better at the second one, so let’s do that,” Shawn said.
“Shouldn’t we go on the mission first?” Jack asked.
“Yeah, we can do that too,” Shawn said, picking up his backpack and a CAD.
“Let’s jump in. The fic starts on Earth, so we’ll just go as ourselves, then get disguised later,” Jack said, grabbing a backpack of his own and the actual Spore game.
“Sounds good,” Shawn said, holstering his gun. Jack fired up the remote activator and the two jumped into the portal.
Amy found Kirk on her way back from school. She said goodbye to her friend as they walked their separate ways. Amy continued skipping home trough the high-class neighbour hood.
'Wait, I'm fifteen why am I skipping?' She said to herself and slowed down to a walk.
“Hey, she got through a whole two sentences without making a mistake. That’s pretty good,” Shawn said, chuckling as the teenaged ‘Sue walked through a trough filled with pig slop.
“So, points off for misspelling two words in one sentence, and for being fifteen even though there’s sex later,” Jack said.
Jack and Shawn followed the ‘Sue, Jack making note of the green and gold shadows, until a robotic voice shouted from a nearby alley.
“What was that?” Shawn asked.
“That would be the ‘creepy mechanical sounding cry’ that our ‘Sue is going after,” Jack said.
The mechanical sound came again and even louder this time; it was coming from the deepest end of the alley, right behind the rubbish bins. Pushing a lock of strawberry blonde hair from her eyes and slowly advanced forward. This was rather scary, but what could hurt you in an old bin alley at three o'clock on a sunny afternoon?
“She’s talking about me, isn’t she?” Shawn said, smirking.
“Oh, of course. Your reputation precedes you,” Jack said.
The agents read through the words’ long description of a Grox, Jack writing frantically the whole time.
“So, here’s the first thing besides spelling and grammar that’s wrong with this fic: Grox can’t breathe our air. Our intergalactic buddy here should have died almost instantly after making contact with the atmosphere,” Jack said.
“Really? I never tried to take the Grox to Earth,” Shawn said. Just then, the 'Sue grabbed the vial the Grox had been reaching for and gave it to him, allowing him to breath more stably.
“Convenient that he had a magic drink to let him ‘breath’ our atmosphere,” Shawn said as the Grox forced the tube down its throat.
“I’m gonna run out of paper, and we’re only in the first chapter,” Jack said.
After that, the ‘Sue deduced that the alien creature was a boy and decided that because he was so cute, she had to help him.
“Take note: If you ever find an alien stranded in an alley, not breathing, and partially made of metal, the most important thing is how cute he is,” Jack said.
I know this one is a little short but the chapters will get longer as the story progresses. Remember: Review if you hate, or review if you like
“A little short? It gets worse?” Shawn said, attempting to ignore the headache brought on by the author’s note.
The agents felt like the world had been pulled out from under them as the scene changed to inside the ‘Sue’s house. As they picked themselves up, the ‘Sue proceeded to set everything she could find on the table for her guest to eat, only for the Grox to drink bleach. Shawn and Jack took the ‘Sue’s minor freak out about her parents possibly getting home soon as an opportunity to hide under the kitchen table, the only piece of furniture in the house, evidently. Almost immediately, the ‘Sue’s father arrived for a brief conversation before leaving with the ‘Sue.
“Why exactly is everyone else out?” Shawn asked.
“I don’t know, but whatever job lets you get home this early is a job I want,” Jack said as an in-text author’s note alerted them to what an Asda was.
“I’m not going to count that as a charge, since I didn’t know what an Asda was, so it was actually helpful. Besides, I’m not exactly lacking in charges,” Jack said.
“Any desire to follow them to the store?” Shawn asked, scanning the words as he took a seat in the kitchen.
“Nah, the only thing that happens there is more bad spelling, so we can relax for a minute,” Jack said, taking note of the charges the ‘Sue accumulated while at the store.
“Well, if you’ll excuse me, I’m gonna have a look around,” Shawn said, walking out of the kitchen.
“Have fun. Hey, any idea what thy are?” Jack asked, a grin spreading across his face.
“No, why?” Shawn called from the next room over.
“Apparently, thy are on sale. Thought we might want to swing by and pick some up,” Jack said, giggling.
“You’re not funny,” Shawn said, sitting down across from Jack.
“I thought you were looking around,” Jack said.
“The only thing in this house beside generic surface is a TV, and I don’t feel like lugging that around with me through the whole fic,” Shawn said.
“Wait, what do you mean, ‘lugging it around?’” Jack asked.
“These people are gonna die soon, they don’t need their stuff,” Shawn said, grabbing a generic fruit from the Grox’s pile of inedible foods.
“Stealing is wrong,” Jack said.
“So is murder, but we’re gonna kill the ‘Sue, aren’t we?” Shawn said, munching on the apple.
“Well, yeah, but we’re killing her to save the universe,” Jack said.
“And you think leaving a bunch of stuff lying around is going to help the universe?” Shawn asked in between bites.
“I don’t think the universe cares,” Jack said.
Just then, a time-shift knocked the agents over. As they recovered, a woman and a young boy materialized in the kitchen and unfurnished living room, respectively. Jack rushed under the table again, dragging Shawn with him.
“Where did they come from?” Shawn asked in a hushed tone.
“Those must be the rest of the ‘Sue’s family,” Jack said.
The ‘Sue walked in, leaving her father outside. Her brother attempted to hug her, but the ‘Sue shoved him aside.
Smiling Amy pounded up the stairs and stopped outside her bedroom door. She did not want to scare the little cat-bot by barging into the room. So instead she slowly opened the door and slipped inside. She found the red creature sitting on her bed, and typing on her laptop!
“How are we gonna get up there?” Shawn asked as a new character named Smiling Amy went upstairs, causing a racket.
“The mom is cooking dinner, and the little brother is watching TV. We might be able to slip away for a minute once their backs are turned,” Jack said.
Fortunately, since no description was given besides that the mother was making dinner, the fic presented it as the mother making generic food out of Lego bricks on the stove, giving the agents plenty of time to remove themselves. They arrived outside the ‘Sue’s door just in time to hear her talking to the Grox.
'Nothing much… I was only checking my whereabouts on this planet.' He said in a slightly mechanical, male voice. 'Wow, you can speak English?' Uttered Amy dumbstruck. 'Well of course I can. Well now anyway, I just needed some time to download it onto my hard disc.' He told her tapping the metal side of his head with his bionic arm, making a 'ding' kind of noise.
“Is that three different dialogues in one paragraph? Really?” Jack muttered.
“Since when does metal hitting metal make a ding noise? Sorry, a ‘ding kind of noise,’” Shawn said.
The ‘Sue closed the door behind her, hitting Jack squarely in the head.
“Of course,” Shawn said. Jack pressed his ear against the door to hear what was happening on the other side. A few moments later, the door opened again, as the Grox came out and immediately walked back in.
“The wording is so bad that it was actually beneficial,” Jack said, smiling at the open door.
'My name is Kirk! The emperor of the Groxian Empire. I am a grox, the most powerful and destructive race in the galaxy!.' He announced proudly.
“Oh hi there girl who saved me, let me tell you how destructive and powerful I am. Then, I’ll insert random punctuation into my sentences,” Shawn said.
“Quiet, our MST is showing,” Jack said, grinning.
It was at this point that the ‘Sue decided the Grox couldn’t possibly be lying. The Grox promised to continue the conversation after the ‘Sue ate dinner.
'Wha-' 'AMY! COME EAT YOUR SUPPER!' Screamed her mum from downstairs. Amy turned to Kirk, obviously surprised. 'I have much better hearing than you.' He explained, gesturing to the door. 'When you are out there do you mind getting me some of that stuff I had earlier? I'm still a little peckish." He added.
“I knew the Grox were powerful, but I had no idea their hearing was good enough to predict the future,” Shawn said.
Before Jack could attempt a witty response, which most likely wouldn’t have been all that witty, another time-shift occurred, causing him to fall into the ‘Sue’s room, and leaving Shawn alone hiding in the hall. Jack wasted no time in crawling under the ‘Sue’s bed and out of the Grox’s sight.
The ‘Sue, who had apparently left the room during the time skip and changed into her “pyjamas” without going back to her room, returned to Kirk with a bottle of bleach. When she got there, she asked why Grox eat poison, resulting in Kirk saying her food was poison as well.
The Grox proceeded to explain how he ended up on Earth. Evidently, a race known as the wallisians had kidnapped him, interrogated him, and marooned him.
'I still can't get over one thing: How did you manage to help me?' He said looking up at her trough both of his strange eyes. 'What do you mean?'
'I mean when a grox visits a foreign planet most of the life forms on that planet avoid it, even when they are unaware of its existence. Its as if there is a… I don't know… A type of dark energy that always seems to be surrounding our species. Creatures that had only just met us are already aware that meddling with us is no good…. But you have somehow managed to completely ignore it and help me.'
He went silent for a second, looking out of the window at the wind rustling the trees. 'Tell me Amy, do you feel any sort of emotion towards me?"
Shawn took this awful attempt at romance as an opportunity to finally scan the ‘Sue and her ‘Stu love interest. The screen flashed red as the machine let out a sharp beep, and the agent ducked out of sight before reading the CAD’s results. Fortunately, the ‘Sue was too busy pondering her “emotion” to notice.
[Amy. Human-female. Non-canon. Mary Sue.]
“Huh. That’s pretty straightforward. I expected something more dramatic,” Shawn said. He turned down the CAD’s volume and aimed it at the Grox.
[Kirk. Grox-maaaaaaaaaaaa. Behold filthy creature! This machine is now under the control of the mighty and powerful Grox! This means that you are likely being attacked by our glorious military now, so we look forward to your future assimilation/execution.]
“Just had to say something,” Shawn muttered to himself as the ‘Sue talked about the “connection” she shared with the Grox.
'To be serious with you so do I, no living being has ever treated me that way, let alone saved my life. I had never felt such a connection to another creature eider, there is some force at work here.' The grox carried on, " Tomorrow my people are coming to pick me up from here, and when I mean my people I mean an army of battleships' His head turned to Amy.
'And you are coming with me' Amy at once realised that he was holding both of her hands, as if in a marriage proposal, and as if in a marriage proposal she did not know what to say.
“What?” Jack and Shawn shouted. The ‘Sue and Kirk both stared straight down at Jack’s hiding spot. Shawn motioned wildly for Jack to vacate said hiding spot and get back to the doorway. Fortunately, the two non-canons were preoccupied for five solid minutes before the ‘Sue agreed to go with the Grox, giving Jack plenty of time to escape.
“Whew, that was almost really bad,” Jack whispered as soon as he had returned to his partner.
“But it worked out.” Shawn said as he peeked into the room, making sure the lovebirds still weren’t paying attention, “Now, should we discuss the fact that our ‘Sue heard ‘battleships’ and her first thought was marriage?”
“No, I think that’s awful enough on its own without us commenting further,” Jack said.
The ‘Sue and Grox had a brief chat about sleeping with aliens, along with a thinly veiled comment from Kirk about not being an alien for long, which went right over the ‘Sue’s head.
The ‘Sue had a dream, which Jack rather loudly pointed out couldn’t possibly be anything that would happen in the future, and certainly wouldn’t be a plot point, in which she was in space with Kirk talking about Grox moodiness. Then the ‘Sue woke up, and things went, as Shawn attested, sort of like a bad reaction to drugs, starting with an author’s note explaining that the ‘Sue was feeling like when you wake up and think that you have to got to school or something but then realise you don’t have to. To continue the bizarreness, a voice started talking in the ‘Sue’s head.
This voice explained that it, or rather, she, was the False God That Will Come, who was actually a real god. More than that, she had allied with Spode to select the ‘Sue as an agent that would hold great power, and that it was the will of this god that the ‘Sue go with Kirk, despite the ‘Sue not trusting him yet.
“Back the truck up. Ignoring the nine spelling and grammar problems, and the random not trusting Kirk thing, are we really supposed to believe that she’s the chosen one of not one, but two gods, who by the way, are at war?” Jack rambled.
“You’re really keeping count of the spelling mistakes? Also, yes, apparently,” Shawn said.
“Just wanted to make sure. And of course I kept count, I’m writing the charge list. Didn’t they tell you about it during training?” Jack asked calmly despite his hand moving frantically as he wrote in his notepad.
“Training was mostly about how to handle the equipment. Don’t use the neuralyzer to take a selfie and all that,” Shawn said.
In order to prove that she wasn’t crazy, the ‘Sue had the voice in her head tell her something only the ‘Sue would know. The voice responded to this by discussing the time the ‘Sue had caused her guinea pig to die a slow, painful death through neglect, then blamed it on a dog.
“I thought ‘Sues were supposed to be nice,” Shawn said.
The voice in the ‘Sue’s head then commanded her to go with Kirk, or she would be controlled like a puppet. Naturally, the ‘Sue responded indignantly, but then went along with exactly what the crazy goddess wanted her to do anyway. She then went downstairs where she was greeted by her family, and the agents were met with another in-text author’s note.
(This will be a very brief memory no need to write in lot of detail about it)(Imagine your last day on earth.)
“Oh yeah, I’m sure the last day I would ever spend with my family, friends, home, and everything I’ve ever done save the past twelve hours would be a remarkably short memory,” Jack said.
Of course, it was a short memory, totaling out at seventeen paragraphs, four of which were only one sentence long. Shawn and Jack had spent the whole time barely keeping out of sight of the many non-canons around, including having to stuff themselves into the trunk of the ‘Sue’s parents’ car.
“Hey Shawn, if you knew that it was the last day of your life on Earth, what would you do?” Jack asked.
“Find someplace safe for my sister to go where she could be rich and happy. Or at least somewhere she could be one of the two. You?” Shawn asked.
“Give to the poor, go to church, pray a lot. Anything to make sure that when I went on, it was to someplace I wanted to be,” Jack said.
“Yeah, but the ‘Sue isn’t dying, so she doesn’t need to worry about that. She’s going to space. Which, apparently, is the same thing as getting married,” Shawn said.
“Hey, if some girl asked me to go on space adventures with her, I’d marry her on the spot,” Jack said, grinning.
“Anyone ever tell you you’re not funny?” Shawn asked.
“Oh look the ‘Sue’s doing something,” Jack said, pointing at the ‘Sue in a pathetic attempt to change the subject.
The ‘Sue was, in fact doing something. That something just so happened to be getting possessed by a false god and getting into a spaceship with a cape-wearing emperor of an alien species. Jack made a note to reevaluate how he let his life get to the point where that made perfect sense to him. A new Grox, who Kirk identified as Lox, Kirk’s general, arrived. Then the two aliens drugged the ‘Sue. An author’s note informed the agents that this was supposed to mean that the fic was getting romantic.
“Wait, how do we get on that thing?” Shawn asked as the ‘Sue fainted and the spaceship took off.
“Duh,” Jack said, pulling his Remote Activator out of his pocket. It proved to be unnecessary, as a scene change put the agents into another of the ‘Sue’s dreams.
In this one, the goddess informed the ‘Sue that she was no longer a human, and had been transformed into a Grox. More importantly, the ‘Sue was now the empress of the Grox empire.
“Wait, that whole thing earlier was actually a proposal?” Shawn asked.
“A battleship is slightly more impressive than a ring, but significantly harder to flaunt during dinner,” Jack observed. The goddess went on to discuss how she was a self-proclaimed parasite who, despite having the ability to create entire universes, instead chose to piggy back onto other universes, taking them over, and then fleeing when the universe was about to die.
Evidently, she wasn’t nearly as smart as she thought she was, and got trapped in the center of the universe by Spode. Spode was also not as smart as he seemed, and allowed the goddess to make the Grox. The ‘Sue was supposed to free the goddess and bring peace to the Grox, which Spode was apparently on board with.
“Universes die?” Jack asked.
“Sure. That’s what happened to Earth 2. Sort of. It fused with the regular universe, then the big reboot happened, and it’s back where it was before,” Shawn said.
“Remind me to never ask you about where you’re from ever again,” Jack said.
The agents were brought back to the fic as they were transported to Kirk’s ship’s medical lab. The ‘Sue was waking up. Jack quickly backed into a corner, pulling Shawn with him.
“The heck?” Shawn asked in a whisper as the doctors commented on how special the ‘Sue was.
“Disguises,” Jack said, opening a portal beneath their feet. In less than a second, the agents crashed to the floor in their RC.
“Why are we back here?” Shawn asked.
“I just told you, disguises,” Jack said, pulling himself up to a standing position and closing the portal.
“We had to come back here to get disguises? That’s ridiculous. We have a whole team of fantastically brilliant scientists, but they haven’t figured out how to make holograms or something on demand?” Shawn fumed.
“Right, it’s totally their fault, and I didn’t forget to pack something at all,” Jack said, pushing a small metal cube off the console.
“You’re kidding me,” Shawn said.
“All that matters is that we’re here now, right? This is easily fixed,” Jack said.
“I thought I would be working with a professional,” Shawn muttered.
“Yeah, well I’ve been a professional pencil pusher for who knows how long now, so maybe cut me some slack,” Jack said, gritting his teeth.
“Just get us disguised,” Shawn said.
A few minutes and one transformation into Grox later, Jack turned back from the console, “We should be all set,”
“For real this time?” Shawn asked.
“Just get through the portal,” Jack said as he opened a portal.
The agents stepped through into the medical bay they had been in before. Apparently, they hadn’t missed much, as the only thing going on when they returned was Lox and Kirk bantering and annoying each other.
“I kind of like these two. They act almost like real friends,” Jack said.
“Aren’t you the one who doesn’t have friends?” Shawn asked.
“I have friends man, just not a lot that I hang out with regularly,” Jack said.
“Sure you do. Anyway, I don’t like these morons. Them annoying each other is annoying me too,” Shawn said.
Just then, the agents were hit by an author’s note telling them to imagine the uniform the ‘Sue was wearing themselves, because the author could only imagine a Justin Bieber hoodie and leggings.
“That was actually painful to hear. More so than most author’s notes,” Jack said.
“How would you know? This is the first day you’re hearing them,” Shawn pointed out.
The ‘Sue had gotten to her room, which fortunately had a very large bed for the agents to hide under, where she found a note from the lead scientist explaining that they were both girls and that Grox hygiene was exactly the same as human hygiene because the robotic parts of the Grox were waterproof. It was at this point that Jack started smacking himself in the head with his notebook.
Then the ‘Sue realized that she would never see anyone she had ever known ever again, causing her to cry. After a short time, Kirk came into the room and told the ‘Sue he knew how she felt, except that his family was probably dead. This somehow stopped the ‘Sue from crying any longer.
“That’s not how emotions work. If I’m sad, and you have the same reason to be sad, I’ll just be sad for both of us,” Jack said.
“Maybe you’re just an overly emotional twerp,” Shawn said.
“Sorry, I forgot you were a nerves of steel gangster,” Jack said, rolling his eyes.
“Well don’t ever forget again,” Shawn said, grinning.
The ‘Sue made another comment about sleeping with a Grox, but tacked on that she was a Grox this time before going to sleep. While she was sleeping, the ‘Sue had another dream, where the goddess explained Grox government. Jack was paying rather close attention, making occasional notes, but Shawn took it as an opportunity to put in earbuds and zone out to the tune of Green Day.
Unfortunately for him, another in-text author’s note disrupted the relative peace he had gotten into as the ‘Sue woke up. As she did so, the goddess told her not to tell Kirk any important information, because Spode could access his mind.
“I thought they were working together,” Shawn said, turning off his playlist.
“I don’t think the author actually knows anymore,” Jack said.
The ‘Sue and her ‘Stu lover started kissing before being interrupted by Lox and a new, female Grox who was identified by Lox as Brecca, who was, according to Lox, both the lead scientist and an annoying fish.
“By God, he’s almost as sarcastic as we are,” Jack said.
“I think you’re just easily impressed,” Shawn scoffed.
After a few more attempts to establish Brecca’s character, the agents were knocked into the research department by a time skip. Fortunately, there were many other Grox in the area, so the agents didn’t need to make an attempt at hiding, and were able to blend into the crowd. The goddess took this opportunity to tell the ‘Sue that female Grox were smarter, more curious, and more peaceful than their counterparts. A handful of doctors, including one Dr. Peck, examined the ‘Sue to make sure she hadn’t gone crazy.
After mere moments, the characters were all notified of a squadron of warships in the immediate area. Kirk insisted the ‘Sue come and help him negotiate. The ‘Sue looked out a window to see the battalion of ships that was blocking her own ship’s path. She tried to show awe, but thanks to lousy spelling, instead cause a lamb to materialize next to her. The ships made contact, revealing themselves to be the squadron of one of the other Grox emperors, Vautre.
“We’re going to have to kill everyone here, aren’t we?” Jack asked.
“I hope so. I’ve been put through enough already. How long until we kill them?” Shawn asked.
“Looks like the best place would be… about eleven chapters from now,” Jack said, looking through the information they had been given on the fic. Shawn’s eyes went wide.
“How many?” Shawn asked, shaking slightly and glaring at Jack.
“Um, you know what? We really only need to see the most important departures from canon, so let’s skip over a few things,” Jack said, fumbling for his Remote Activator.
“Nothing important happens here?” Shawn asked. He was calmer, but his hands were still curled into fists.
“The emperor here makes a dumb decision, Vautre is established as an aggressive jerk, and he allies with them because he has a thing for the ‘Sue,” Jack said, opening up a portal.
“You know what? That’s good enough for me,” Shawn said, stepping through the portal and ending up in a crowded room.
“What’s going on here?” Shawn asked.
“A party of sorts,” Jack said, as he closed the portal behind him.
“Why are we here?” Shawn asked.
“Take note of Vautre acting like a perv and threatening Kirk,” Jack said, scribbling in his notebook.
“I like this guy. Angry enough to be a real Grox,” Shawn said.
“He just set up a deal where he commits adultery with the ‘Sue. After this, he gets worse,” Jack said, “Want to see?”
“Adultery’s not that terrible. And no, I don’t, but we don’t get paid if we don’t see where this goes,” Shawn said.
“We don’t get paid very much either way,” Jack said, opening up another portal. The two agents went through and came out in another dreamscape, in the corner of some manner of lab.
“I have never seen a piece of writing that has the character sleep so much,” Shawn said.
“Apparently, the ‘Sue can only fit one or two important events in between naps,” Jack said.
“So what’s this one about?” Shawn asked.
“The ‘Sue is being taught about the goddess’ people. They used science to ascend to a higher plane of existence,” Jack said.
“Is that all, cause they seem to really drag that on?” Shawn asked dryly.
“Just a second, there’s some rather lengthy words to write in charges for this part,” Jack said, writing like mad.
Before he could finish, a massive power surge rocked the facility, and moments later, the ‘Sue woke up. The agents had little problem crawling under the bed yet again, since the scene change had knocked them both to the ground. Jack reached around for his remote activator, but yet another scene change dropped them back in the science labs.
“This is starting to get really annoying,” Shawn said, sitting up and rubbing the new bruises on his head.
“Hang on, you’ll miss the part where they put the ‘Sue in charge of all science because her brain is just perfect for the job,” Jack said.
There was an explanation of how the Grox had an internet-like telepathic ability that connects every Grox.
“You didn’t think to use that when you were face down in an alley though?” Shawn asked.
“Maybe the ships wouldn’t have gotten there in time?” Jack offered, “Then again, maybe the author is just inconsistent.”
Vautre came over and started necking on the ‘Sue before telling her they were making a jump into another emperor’s sector of space. After arriving though, the Grox found that there was already a large number of ships there. These ships though, were part of the Wallisian fleet. Kirk hailed the other emperor’s ship. The ‘Sue persuaded the emperor, Pyw, to join their makeshift alliance. Once Pyw had agreed, Lox and Pyw’s general took over.
The other Grox took up the job of finding a Wallisian to interrogate. Upon communicating with Pyw’s ship and finding out which ship led the Wallisians, they started discussing teleporting an officer over.
Brecca clasped her hands together 'Great! Now we just fire teleportation beams randomly at a spot we think any important people would be.'
“That awkward moment when the characters outright say they’re just hoping to luck into the right solution,” Jack said.
“They succeed though, don’t they?” Shawn asked.
“Yeah, they do, mostly because the goddess manipulates things. In fact, we can probably skip ahead to when they’re interrogating the prisoner,” Jack said, opening the portal.
On the other side, the two agents were treated to watching Vautre torture the captured Wallisian, then admit that he was only handling things physically rather than via mind probe because he thought it was fun.
“Told you, this guy knows how to Grox,” Shawn whispered, trying not to draw attention to himself.
“He’s a scum-sucking, torturous, adulterous, psychopath,” Jack whispered.
“Exactly,” Shawn whispered.
The two emperors offered the ‘Sue a turn torturing the prisoner, and the goddess forced her to accept. It was then explained that Grox have a natural tendency to enjoy doing things that humans consider evil, and the goddess wanted the ‘Sue to get used to denying the human part of herself.
“Then why pick a human?” Shawn whispered through gritted teeth.
“Cause the ‘Sue is speshul,” Jack said. The two agents waited around until the ‘Sue was told she could keep the Wallisian alive and a prisoner before they portalled ahead.
The ‘Sue, on her way to check on the captured Wallisian, had been caught by Vautre. He dragged her back to his room. On the way there, the goddess explained that the Grox did not consider this adultery to actually be bad because love and lust are different things.
“Alright, I know where this is going, so let’s just summarize here, because if I’m right, I don’t think we really want to watch. The ‘Sue doesn’t want this to happen, yes?” Shawn asked.
“Correct. And it’s still going to happen,” Jack said.
“Of course, for drama,” Shawn said, rolling his eyes, “And there’s going to be an unusual amount of dialogue in it?”
“There’s… what’s an usual amount?” Jack asked.
“Not sure. I wasn’t that kind of criminal, you know? Let’s just chock this up to being a whole mess of charges that shouldn’t be involved in Spore and get out of here,” Shawn said.
“Sounds good to me,” Jack said, opening a portal. They came out on the other side just outside of the Kirk’s command room.
“Where are we this time?” Shawn asked.
“The fun part,” Jack said.
“Come again?” Shawn asked.
“You get to kill them now,” Jack said.
“Great. How?” Shawn asked.
“I’ve been thinking about that, and I think I have a plan. See, we need to kill everybody who doesn’t fit in the regular canon, so the first thing we have to do is decide who qualifies,” Jack said.
“Considering the last scene, I’m thinking Vautre doesn’t exactly fit the PPC, and I don't remember the Grox being particularly willing to get all fleshy, so he's out,” Shawn said.
“And Lox seems overly sarcastic, generally competent, and still a bit sadistic,” Jack said.
“Your point?” Shawn asked.
“We might be able to recruit him,” Jack said.
“Why would we do that?” Shawn asked.
“Because he could be useful,” Jack said.
“He’s a side character in a Sue-fic,” Shawn said.
“You were too,” Jack said.
“I died before I was allowed in,” Shawn said.
“You know that isn’t actually a requirement to join, right?” Jack asked.
“Tell you what, I get to shoot everyone else, right?” Shawn asked.
“Probably. Still working out the finer details of the plan,” Jack admitted.
“Fine, do whatever you think you’re doing,” Shawn grumbled.
“Great. In that case, let me explain how I think this is going to go,” Jack said, flashing a grin that wouldn’t have been out of place in a slasher film.
After a quick briefing, the door to Kirk’s office flung open, and the two agents came in.
“Emperor, empress, we have dire news!” Jack shouted.
“Who are you?” Kirk asked.
“Agents, from Pyw’s empire. We’ve been doing some investigating since joining this alliance, and we have reached a horrifying realization,” Jack said.
“The voices in your heads? They ain’t Spode and the goddess,” Shawn said.
“What do you mean?” The ‘Sue asked.
“Voices?” Vautre asked.
“Vautre, Lox, we respectfully ask that we be able to speak to the emperor and empress privately,” Jack said. The two Grox slowly left with very confused expressions on their faces.
“What do you two mean the voice isn’t the goddess?” The ‘Sue asked.
“They are actually vengeful programs. Think of them like viruses in your robotic body parts,” Jack said.
“And we can get them out,” Shawn said.
“Are you sure?” Kirk asked.
“Um, yes?” Jack said, praying the two Grox were as dumb as he thought they were.
“How would you get them out?” The ‘Sue asked.
Jack breathed a sigh of relief, “It’s a rather simple ritual really. Shall we?”
“Let’s,” Shawn said.
Jack took the box for Spore out of his backpack and pressed it against the ‘Sue’s head, “Avaunt! In the name of Will Wright, leave this… character,” The goddess emerged from the ‘Sue.
“What? No! I am the goddess that will come! I can create universes! You can’t do this!” It shouted. Jack opened his mouth to respond, but was interrupted by Shawn shooting the wraith in the head.
“You forgot the charges,” Jack said.
“They’re mostly for the ‘Sue anyway,” Shawn said.
“That’s not how… Fine, whatever. Avaunt!” Jack said, pressing the game to Kirk’s head this time, “In the name of Will Wright, leave this character you deity wannabe,”
Shawn put a bullet into the Spode replacement wraith before it could begin monologuing this time.
“So then, they’re gone?” The ‘Sue asked.
“Almost. Now we have to perform the rights that will stop them from returning. Ahem,” Jack said,
“Amy and Kirk, you are charged with messing with Grox physiology, more spelling, punctuation, and grammar errors than even I care to count, forgetting about your entire family, as well as the rest of Earth, messing with Grox government, creating the character Smiling Amy, getting married without actually having a proposal, wedding, or any other hallmark of a marriage, using rape as cheap drama, messing with Grox psychology, having bland and uninteresting romance scenes, creating an alien species that ascended to godhood, had telepathy, and could create universes, being Mary Sues, having prophetic dreams every single night, and with somehow getting possessed despite being original characters. The sentence for this is death. If you can get out last words before Shawn kills you, feel free to,”
“Wait, that keeps those spirits away?” Kirk asked. Shawn replied by putting a bullet through his nose.
“Nice shot,” Jack said.
“I was aiming for his eye,” Shawn said, turning to the other ‘Sue.
“Kirk! My love!” She shouted before a shot went into her neck.
“This stupid Grox body is throwing off my aim,” Shawn said.
“I’m sure that’s it,” Jack said, “Now come on, time for phase two,”
Jack sat down in Kirk’s chair and hailed the lead ship of the fleet that was advancing on them.
“Greetings! Veara is it? This is Agent Jack of the PPC. We have commandeered this vessel, and are preparing it for you to destroy. In return, we ask for five minutes to evacuate our agents onboard,” Jack said.
A hologram of a female Grox flickered onscreen, “Agent? What makes you think you can make deals with me?”
“We just handed you Kirk, his empress, and Vautre on a defenseless ship,” Jack said. The hologram cocked an eyebrow.
“Oh really? Who exactly do you work for?” She asked.
“You wouldn’t believe us if we told you. Let’s just say that Kirk and his empire are our mutual enemies,” Jack said.
“You have three minutes,” The hologram said.
“Thank you,” Jack said, disconnecting.
“Let’s get Vautre and Lox,” Shawn said.
“So nice of the author to give us two overly aggressive Grox with fleets. This one should fit rather well back into Grox society once we’re done.” Jack said, “You get Vautre, I have an announcement to make to the rest of the crew.”
Shawn pushed the door open and ran in the direction of Vautre’s room. As he did, Jack’s voice came over the ship’s communications loudspeakers.
“Attention citizens of Kirk’s empire! Kirk… is dead. Sad, I know, but don’t worry, you’ll be joining him. Before that though, you’re all charged with being bit characters and with being both peaceful and sadistic at the same time. Except you Brecca, you’re charged with being a bit character, peaceful, and with being a special non-violent snowflake. Lucky you.”
By the time Jack had finished his little speech, Shawn had arrived at Vautre’s room. He was tackled by Vautre as soon as he’
“You punks are the least subtle assassins ever,” He said. Shawn pushed him off and rolled away.
“We’re not assassins. We’re just doing their job,” Shawn said. A punch from Vautre sent him hurtling down the hallway on his back.
“So, who’s winning?” Jack asked as he stepped out of a portal.
“That depends on how much help you’re going to be,” Shawn said, drawing his gun as Vautre charged toward the duo.
“Pretty helpful,” Jack said, opening a portal in front of Vautre and closing it once the Grox emperor had gone through.
“Where’d you send him?” Shawn asked.
“About two miles east of here,” Jack said.
“Why?” Shawn asked.
“Because the only thing two miles east of here is the vacuum of space," Jack said.
“Weren’t we supposed to charge him?” Shawn asked.
Jack opened his mouth to speak, but almost immediately closed it. He stared at Shawn for a significant amount of time before sighing, “Yes, yes we were.”
“Lovely. How much time do we have?” Shawn asked.
“Just under a minute,” Jack said.
“Cutting it close. Let’s get Lox,” Shawn said as Jack opened up a portal.
The two agents stepped through, finding themselves directly behind Lox, who had barricaded himself into the room that the Wallisian had been tortured in before.
“You get to live,” Jack said. The startled Grox whirled around and leveled a rifle at Jack’s head.
“Ooh, sorry. You’re aiming at the wrong guy,” Shawn said, pointing his own gun at Lox.
“Forgive my more violent friend. As I was saying, you get to live. In fact, you’re the only one on the whole ship. You heard us earlier, Kirk was possessed. That harpy empress of his wasn’t helping. He was corrupted. We’re willing to help you escape,” Jack said.
“Why should I believe you?” Lox asked.
“If you don’t Veara is going to tear you apart, along with the rest of this fleet,” Jack said.
“And I’ll shoot you,” Shawn said.
“Yes, that too. Basically, you can choose liberty or death,” Jack said.
“So I don’t have a choice,” Lox said.
“I told you he was competent,” Jack said. Just then, the whole ship shook.
“What was that?” Lox asked, pressing the rifle into Jack’s chest.
“We ran out of time. Veara’s started attacking. How long do you think it will be before a torpedo hits us directly?” Jack asked.
“I’m a general. I don’t leave my ship,” Lox said.
“Your boss is dead. You’re not a general, you’re the emperor. As such, your life is the most valuable thing on this ship,” Jack said. Another blast rocked the ship.
“How could you get us out of here?” Lox asked. In reply, Jack opened a portal back to HQ.
“One way trip,” he said.
“If this is a trick, you die,” Lox said, pushing Jack through the portal before jumping in after him.
“You know, maybe Jack was right about this one,” Shawn smirked, running through the portal.
On the other side, Lox still had a rifle aimed at Jack, but wasn’t actually looking at either agent.
“What is this place?” He asked.
“Welcome to HQ. Now, if you don’t mind, please stop aiming a gun at me,” Jack said.
“No. Tell me what this place is,” Lox said, still looking at all the various things in Jack’s room.
“This is the PPC. We’re like the police, but for every universe. That’s why we got rid of the empress and that thing possessing Kirk,” Jack said.
“And Vautre, and Brecca, and everyone else on the ship. Beside you, of course,” Shawn added.
“Wait, how did you manage to kill everyone else on board?” Lox asked.
“Once Kirk, Vautre, the empress, and you were all gone, there was no leadership. Veara’s ships are cutting through your fleet while your boys wait for orders that won’t come,” Jack said.
“Anybody that lives just acclimates back into the regular canon,” Shawn said.
“They do what?” Lox asked.
“There’s kind of a lot to explain, and it’s easier to do when I can stand up without being shot," Jack said.
“You drop your gun and I let him get up," Lox said, looking at Shawn.
“Fine," Shawn said, tossing his handgun onto his bed.
“Excellent,” Jack smiled. “Now sit down, my friend, ‘cause there’s a lot to take in."